feeling emo

today. emo day.

mv, i don't know what went wrong. but things are just wrong.
i dont wanna feel like a spare though nothing is gonna happen/is happening or has happened yet. i dont know. i am very messed up. very confused. was upset you got upset. the sudden moodswings. you didn't say it out, but you were angry. and i felt it was at me.

i miss gjps. very much. the chilling out at coffeebean j8. the fuck chuck marry. the talk about life and future plans. how we wanna stay together. the peeps we fall for. everything. how much i miss you? infinite.

bp, thank you for the very sweet message at work. though you lust after my cigarettes more than you miss me. but it's ok. i'm chill. and thank you for helping me out when i was alone today.

same for my sayang. what can i say but ultra big thank you. you deserve the two lollies and the lava brownie ice cream from sakae. definitely.

kel's picking on me for the silliest things. i know i haven't been exactly very very alert. but i am doing my best. my very best.

uncle, thank you for helping me in clearing the ashtrays, the cocktail napkins, the mattresses, the ultra big brolly (which nearly crushed me). thank you.

i felt very much like crying while standing by the beach today. staring into the horizon or more like palawan island. the stars. the lights across on the mainland. engulfed. i felt small. felt unworthy.

unworthy in my family. unworthy for mv. unworthy for work. unworthy of anything. i wrote on the sand, "unworthy" in caps, and wishing for the waves to wash it away, to reassure me that i am of worth. but no. it was low tide. and the waves didn't go the way i wanted.

i smoked damn alot today. one and a half pack. fuck. i am on my way to joining the legions of cancer patients in the world.

thank you mandrake. thank you for the great big bear hug i so needed. for being the listening ear to my stupidity. for holding my phone and my cigs at phuture. for just being there. grateful i am.

i am dozing off. more about the mini blogger convention at zouk/phuture when i awake. yummilicious babes. and sandralicious and i kissed.

fuck that kiss left me wanting more. ugh.