some semblance of a love life?

oh no no no.

i've got zilch love life.

that's sad sad sad.

baaaaaaaaaah.

missing memories

damn.

i am so pissed... diary-x is permanently screwed... and that means all my past entries in it is lost for good! all those memories...

yeah, for those who didn't know, i started my first online diary at blogdrive in april 2004 and kept a secret one running at diary-x at around the same time for those entries that i had wanted to kept protected with a password.

so there goes all the bittersweet tears, kisses and words of the good old days...

somehow, wondering if that's telling me i should move to a new site soon as well... and leave this childish blog behind.

xp

clueless

a random thought. guys just have no idea how easy it is to win me over.

hur hur.

UnXpectedly Good Night

Fucking good day.

No regrets zao-ing my hall activity. Why should I when I am blardy enjoying myself?

1) Met her for 15 minutes just before she had to go back to work. Was already satisfying to see her.

2) Got down to some studying at Holland Village Breko with Sunshine.

3) Impromptu decision to go wala-ing since it was a Thursday night and UnXpected was playing! Called the gang of JW, Sara to join us. Sunshine and I bought our drinks before 9 so we had one for one for our Hoegaarden!!! Shiok!

4) Obviously, and very naturally, call the regular barflies who are UnXpected addicts, met up with Makan, Duckhawk and Ruok. And unexpectedly FF as well! It's been so long since I saw her and barflies being barflies, naturally can't seem to veer away from the topic of sex. So there we were discussing g-spots, orgasms, "rabbits", the NYP Tammy sex video and what not during the break after UnXpected's second set. Really, it was good catching up with all of you blogging folks.

5) She joined us after her work ended and I had a great time, head-banging, grooving to UnXpected with her by my side. Her first time in Wala and listening to UnXpected. Same goes for my buddies Sunshine, JW and Sara. And boy, UnXpected YOU ROCK!!! All of them enjoyed the sets the band played and agreed that they are FUCKING-TASTIC!

6) Of course, nothing beats making out in the toilet while being serenaded to the lyrics of "all I want is make love to you"... Hee. Chuckles.

7) Making a new friend at Wala, this server called Jason, who so cheekily stole our bottle of heineken to drink as the place was closing up. But he's a good sport.

8) Advancing to Newton Food Centre after dropping her back at her place (JW drove) and digging into our yummy cockles, sting ray, fried carrot cake and prawn noodles, courtesy of Sara!!! We love you man! And who did we see while we were there? The UnXpected again! Hur hur.

After JW sent Sara, Sunshine back home, we drove back to JW's place and cabbed back to our hall. Thereafter, we talk cock at my block, and smoking for an hour, recalling of our fun times back in secondary school. JW and I have a lot of things in common, especially since we are both long distance athletes and our similar family background. JW, you really a pal I hold close to my heart.

And now, tired me will end here.

all good things must come to an end

the honeymoon period is over i guess.

it's time for me to busy with my studies and hall activities as she starts on her first day of work at her new workplace in 10 hours time.

i've never expected anything from her in return especially since ours was a no strings attached game.

though it may have taken a different course from its original direction from how she would actually miss me, tell me she misses me, wants to meet me, but it is after all, still a game.

i think i really fell for her.

my heart will take some time to get used to being by myself again, without her at outlet o, with less of her in my life.

i miss you small boy, wei wei.

love, your small girl.

p/s: miryclay's dead. at least for the next couple of days.

happy valentine's day to all!

yes it's valentine's day.

i can't say i am not blessed, nor am i unhappy not being able to spend valentine's day with her.

in fact we spent the whole valentine's day eve afternoon-night together. watch movies, dinner, back to her place, down to mohammad sultan, to boat quay.

humans are just such conniving greedy creatures who can never be fulfilled or be contented with what they have.

favourite song of the week: so sick of love songs by neo featuring jin.

happy valentine's day little boy :) your small girl.

12th february 2006

friday:

1) i've finally gone and have my hair rebonded. at 380 rm, for treament-rebond-treatment-colour-cut session, it was simply worth while. and i have to say i am happy with the results. other than the grueling 5 hours 40 minutes of sitting down. so far most have expressed positive comments about the new hair do, though some preferred me with my wild curls! haha! it used to be a crazy wild look and now... i am a shu nu, except most of my colleagues do not think my poise, my behaviour is that of a virtuous shu nu! the one shitty part is that my face looks fatter with straight hair and absolutely everybody insists i now look almost a carbon copy of georgie, my da jie from outlet d! rolly polly marco now calls me "xiao pang"! damn it i am not fat! my face is just round! sobs! but i am so glad she loves it a lot! ;)

2) frigging grateful to jw who drove me back from malaysia customs to hall then from hall to mohammad sultan. he's really a gem sunshine! jw has never said no to all my little requests and favours which officially make him number 1 on my "eternally indebted and to be repaid" list!

3) have i ever mentioned how much i love my assistant manager jadeite and my outlet supervisor marco? they were so forgiving towards me being late! my hours commencing from 9pm, was changed to 10 pm and finally to 11pm when i knew i couldn't make it back to singapore in time! and even then, i forgot to bring my lanyard of locker key and staff card that jadeite had to pry open my locker ingeniously using a key that could fit my key hole since i forgot to duplicate a spare locker key for her! muacks... i love you bakchai!

4) i bought cheesecakes (choc and raspberry) from secret recipe at city square, meant for her and her girlfriend to eat.. hmm...

5) saw michael, but damn him for being so blasé about my new hairdo! but then again, we don't really know each other you know...

6) we had wanted to go down to devils after work but there were 4 boys from outlet o and outlet d who were under 21! bah! went all the way to devils only to move on to queenz at boat quay, which felt super erh... not good! the evil gang made her drink a waterfall in which they requested for bacardi 151 to be used instead! oh my, then this other guy made her down another weird shot... that coupled with the drinks we already had at work... and her own beer at queenz... geez! i was really afraid she would get drunk that i helped her to drink the next poisonous concoction that tasted really vile! YIKES! and her being her, likes to run around when she gets high or drunk! that night she kissed me and i think it was pretty obvious to the colleagues around. she even spilled the beans to jo-n and fads!

7) i am about 75% certain i am 60% in love with her. nobody to tell her that ya? i know i may just get badly hurt or burnt by this kinda liasion but as the chinese saying goes " bu4 zai4 hu4 tian1 chang2 di4 jiu3, zhi3 zai4 hu4 cen2 jing1 yong1 you3". eh, anybody knows the ad for the watch that was linked to this phrase? ok sunshine just told me that it is for the brand soviet titus under citychain.

saturday:

1) michael came down. fuck even jadeite says he has bad taste in women. darn, so i should be glad he hasn't eyed me cos i am gorgeous! muahahaha! that michael is a fucking social butterfly! BAH! nabei. wait, he complimented on the hair. ok i take back my words on how he's blinded with bad taste.

2) batman promised to let me work at platform/wall area on friday night cos michael's coming down, in the end i was thrown at small bar, isolated from the rest of the world! bloody hell! i had so wanted to STRANGLE her!!! grr! but me being so professional, would not succumb to the temptation of requesting to change station! then again, i whined to batman and she had told my colleague to change with me but i was adamant that i stayed on in small bar since small bar bartender was alwie! i like alwie enough cos he's one of the few bartenders with the exception of frankie and indra whom i can play with at work! and also because these three bartenders has usually given me quite a free rein in the bar especially alwie.. he looks tough to work with but he's actually super nice! one day, i am going to ride his R1! steady pom pi pi lah!

3) was feeling really low at the thought of how i won't have a chance to work with batman anymore that i was just solemn and sullen and alwie had to start cajoling me like a little kid and pacifying me with erhm green tea since we are not allowed to drink on the job (officially), especially during the slam whereby, there just weren't enough high ball glasses to serve the guests with. despite me walking around the tables desperately trying to search for even one to wash.

4) overwhelmed at how batman's gonna leave, i sat with ooi alone by the wall to rest. i started tearing. argh. i hate being so weak to not even be able to control my tears. i quickly went off to the toilet before anyone could see so after sobbing it out on the bowl, i returned and damn it, the taps started leaking again. i sorta shocked jadeite and the rest of my colleagues. then i downed and downed the drinks... my i don't even know what i am doing myself.

sunday:

1) was supposed to go suntan with her but she fell ill and so was i, coughing, sneezing and throat all sore. so we stayed in bed the entire day and watched tv.

2) a special day cos its the 12th of FEBRUARY again! 5 years ago on this date, i went steady with darth, last year on this same day, i got to know martell at happy, went back with him and this year, she gave me a memorable afternoon to reminiscent of.

no doubt it was a great day with her from afternoon till night but at the end of the day, i am still walking alone.. :(

i am royally mighty pissed off upon reaching back home only to find a msn message left behind by mv. blardy ruined my memorable great day. my first reaction was fury. fucking hell so what did i do to piss you guys off? i had only good intentions to wish my daddy a happy birthday to drop off a cake and go. the only reason we stayed on and had dinner there was cos jadeite was coming down to pick leng lui up and sakae sushi was closed. who said anything about a party? i did not! i hate it when words are put into my mouth when accusations get thrown at me. i asked sambuca lover for permission, who then told me to ask you for permission, and you mentioned that zaker and ck was around. so i told batman who in turn advised me that i should go through the proper channels of telling my own assistant manager who will then inform the others even if i was just dropping by the outlet to pass daddy a birthday cake! ARGH! so what went wrong? my very simple english that got misinterpreted along the way or guys who simply didn't understand basic english? I AM DROPPING OFF A BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR DADDY!!! really your statements were uncalled for. i really can choose to be flighty to ignore your infuriating msn messages or rude enough to ask you to sod off. presumptuous and pretentious. at least my "bf" is nothing like you. there, i am feeling better after letting it out.

".:~MV~ says: (12:22:39 AM)
u hor.. dunno wat to say abt u...

.:~MV~ says: (12:23:37 AM)
there is a difference btwn dropping a cake off an coming for a non-existant party

.:~MV~ says: (12:25:25 AM)
and becoz of u, ur "bf", and jadeite, u juz pissed the whole lot of us off. especially zaker."

rules of the game

we are playing it so wrong!

i am trying hard in forbidding myself to miss her yet i still do.. and so does she and it sounded as if she wanted me to miss her!

we are caring too much for each other! it has ceased being a thing of physical gratification, her taking what she can from me and vice versa.

we are giving. no giving is not a player's game. this does not sound like baby gjps' games in the past. nothing like it at all.

i am so tormented.

she's not everything i will desire to have but yet oddly, everything i do not mind.

she's so unlike papa bp. so much more mature, so much better. looks aside, she can be pretty charming in her ways. especially when she laughs.

the song "till i hear it from you" by gin blossoms reminds me of her, like how "collide" would remind me of mv, "the reason" of my brother bittercoffee and "friends" by bon jon jovi of darth.

fuck it, i am going for my class then to jb to get my hair done. she likes my hair straight. oh my.

need help with cooking crabs!

had fun at hall bazaar today, selling ice cream and laughing at jk.

club at phuture with gjps was moderately fun. was neither big on drinks or smoke. the guys are really fugly.

blissful meeting her even though it was just for an hour. our rendevous point is usually behind newsroom bar, then we will stealthily walk out of the courtyard towards clarke quay whereby it is much more remote! we saw a couple going at it outside brewerks! eee i could see the girl's panty!!!

ok, i better not speak so much ill of others since me and her kisses a lot in public too (but usually with great care taken to ensure privacy and at least a certain decorum of modesty), not because we desire to attract attention or stage a public display of affection except we usually meet outside and not at her home! and even so, her girlfriend has friends everywhere who can/may recognize her so we are ultra careful especially in the day..

i am thinking of making a valentine's day gift for her and her girlfriend... a photoframe which i took a photo for them during the ehg xmas party at outlet d. so should i or not?

bah. this weekend is her last weekend at outlet o. damn it. i am so afraid i will cry out.

anybody can cook a mean dish of black pepper/chilli crabs? i want to cook it for her this saturday... so somebody, anybody please help!!!

p/s: i've never tried cooking anything beyond my instant noodles, porridge... you get the drift. so recipes will not be very very helpful for me.

can't be perfect

i am suppressing myself from investing any feelings.
it's so tough. people who know me know i am an awfully emotional person, i tend to give a lot of myself to others.
i have to tell myself each day that no way am i going to let her or anyone else know just how close i am to being in **** again.
i think sunshine calls this a sure proof way of getting myself hurt or something to that effect.
don't think about it. don't dare think. don't think.

so the new year resolution shall be to play hard, study hard, and work hard.

parting words from her on friday

i never completed what i had to say regarding my friday night.

you see, after i headed down to happy where as usual ad the bartender will overpour and give me housepours in double shots highball glasses, and given the state of my empty stomach, i was feeling myself to be half way being tipsy after just 3 glasses.

then for the first time, i requested to meet her after work. thus far, it has been her asking me out and me agreeing to it.

so we met and we talked...

the initial disappointment at her words hit me very strongly even though it made ample sense. grow up miryclay, grow up, as i willed myself to nod my head in agreement to her words and allow its meaning to wash over me.

perhaps, her frequency of asking me out had lulled me into a false sense of belief, into believing that it is her who is falling deeper for me and not the other way round. but i forget... that i am a beginner at such a game, and she has already played this many rounds before.

nevertheless, she who sets the parameters changes the parameters too. :) and change is but the only constant in our lives. :)

Fair play

I privately get a thrill from whatever game I am playing with her.

The gleaming signs of recognition flash in our eyes yet the refusal of acknowledgment beckons at work.

The subtle touches imprinted on each other sneakily a telltale of more to come, of satisfying the cravings I have to kiss her and whatever she feels or takes from me.

What a dangerous game we play.

Last night for example, see us bordering on the unfoldment of our secret exploits.

We met up in town before Outlet O's reunion dinner. Us at cafe Creme Bistro, us on bus 123, us walking towards Tiong Bahru Plaza. Then it was back to the I as myself and she as herself.

Making out in the toilet at Lot, Stock and Barrel, a bar at Seah Street; to me being slightly inebriated after rounds of Heineken and still managing to play Photohunt successfully with a few of my colleagues setting 2 top scores and at the same time holding on to her yet knowingly touching her. Geez, I think our actions of familiarity couldn't be more obvious to our colleagues. And that last bit in spite of her girlfriend's arrival and me wishing her Happy CNY.

If the trio of our friends had been a minute faster, they would have been on the brink of having first sight of our clandestine activity snogging at the bus stop when she walked me out to take a cab back to school, or had I been a step faster, another colleague of ours riding his bike would have incidentally spotted us behaving nothing like our usual selves.

I don't want to ever see the day where I am telling myself this, "You are busted, babe."

I can't tell her I miss her so. This only a game, not a relationship.

my heart took a dive and plonked hard into the sewers

yeps feeling like shit is the phrase to describe me right now.

i met her yesterday afternoon after school at far east plaza (near her home) where she took a quick lunch before i went rushing off to chingay practice. i got the initial venue of the meeting place wrongly so she actually offered to cab me down to people's association at kallang.

this not good, i must stop myself from falling for her.

i mean, just look at it, we can't hold hands in public (duh it's an UNDERGROUND affair!!!) and obviously not kiss her too!

why oh why? why must it always be a wrong timing for me?

but this good, it basically means she can be my lifelong makeout buddy yeah, assuming nothing goes too wrong between us. she can have a change of girlfriend or even girlfriends but that will not make things between us any more different.

chingay rehearsal was horrid, our performance being second last on the list of 30 events, thus a long wait from 6pm to 9.45pm for our turn to dance, of which it was a delay of 2.5 hours. well, it wasn't much of a dancing for myself anyway since i took over vin's position as the elephant and the freaking headgear being so heavy made dancing next to impossible. my neck, shoulder and back still aches from having to support and balance that shitty big head!!! nonetheless, it has been a great experience so far and no regrets there.

then there was this 16 year old boy from mansjuri secondary who happened to be the assistant for the kangeroo structure i was allocated to push before and after our dance segment and he actually thought i was still in secondary school! haha! what a joke you know! but he's a very cute boy :) i still can picture the shock registered on his face after i told him i am 6 years his senior! had i been younger, i am pretty sure he would have asked me for my number cos he's been trying to talk to me from the start of the performance. alas, he's too young though hmm, i wouldn't mind a bit!

i went to happy cos it was too late by the time the chingay rehearsal ended and i missed my last train back to boon lay. just as i was contemplating to cab back or wait for the dance instructor to give me a lift back, bus service 63 that goes to north bridge road veered into the bus bay and that was like an indication of some sort to affirm my gian-ness for a drink at happy.

alrights shit i am gonna be late for my run... will continue later when i get back!

colleagues and also lovers

i am glowing.

having someone, albeit not being able to have a status could still prove to be satisfying.

perhaps there's the additional element of adventure, of excitement and of secrecy in my form of relationship..

i miss her and i can't do anything about it.

the nature of her job, the nature of our pseudo relationship, etc...

ceci-whee! nana's ibook is fun! says: (1:33:18 PM)
i miss havin my heart skip a beat too

i think that's what i miss too sunshine.

better than good

it was a good thursday, meeting marycherry and sunshine to study / get some work done.

it was a good afternoon talking with the two girls.

it was a good buy on the tops we got from carrefour sunshine.

it was a good lunch at brekos eating chicken mushroom creamy pasta and a good dinner at mos burgers eating the beef rice burger.

it was a good 30 minutes spent rushing to meet her, her sneaking out to meet me, us drinking, smoking and parting with a kiss, all done stealthily.

it was a good liberal chat with stellar my hall/block/smoking mate about boys, girls, us, school, her boyfriend and my affair.

it was equally a good conversation on the phone with her.

back to sleep, and school not very much later.

:)

better than good

it was a good thursday, meeting marycherry and sunshine to study / get some work done.

it was a good afternoon talking with the two girls.

it was a good buy on the tops we got from carrefour sunshine.

it was a good lunch at brekos eating chicken mushroom creamy pasta and a good dinner at mos burgers eating the beef rice burger.

it was a good 30 minutes spent rushing to meet her, her sneaking out to meet me, us drinking, smoking and parting with a kiss, all done stealthily.

it was a good liberal chat with stellar my hall/block/smoking mate about boys, girls, us, school, her boyfriend and my affair.

it was equally a good conversation on the phone with her.

back to sleep, and school not very much later.

:)

unexpected but calculated liasions

thou attract attached butches?

papa bp: good body, and the way you work
batman: pretty, and a good worker

my, aren't you a pretty one. says: (5:32:30 PM)
oh man.. you've had more girls than guys baby!