Silly is as silly does

Just like a bolt that strikes out of the blue, as I was re-reading his latest entry, it dawned upon me that it's very one-sided on my part.

I may like/love a person very much but is the person in question liking me for who I am or responding in kind?

Fuck. So much to say, but all to be censored.

I am not changing my mind. No.

Motivated

I can't wait to get out of house.

Usually it ought to be the other way round on off days, wanting to stay home to rest and sleep. But the mother is just too overbearing that leaving house is the next best alternative.

My original plans for today was to:

1) Go back to TP (Temasek Poly) to get my metal developing can from my ex school mates. And meet up to chat.
2) Parkway is near Tampines, and hence thought of dropping by to check in on Marycherry dear.
3) Meet Mandrake for lunch.
4) Go jalan-jalan somewhere, window shop, chill drink coffee people watch and get a nice yummy treat for MV (pop by Sentosa maybe). I don't know why but with all the people I like, I always end up giving them foodies.
5) Have a martini at Happy or a hoegaarden at Walas.
6) Possibly meet King if his schedule permits.
7) Go for ktv for farewell for Didi.

But since I arose late...

The plans have been reduced to...
4) 1) Go jalan-jalan somewhere, window shop, chill drink coffee people watch and get a nice yummy treat for MV (pop by Sentosa maybe if I really do wanna see him). I don't know why but with all the people I like, I always end up giving them foodies.
5) 2) Have a martini at Happy or a hoegaarden at Walas if nothing to do.
6) 3) Possibly meet King if his schedule permits. (and when he replies my reply to him)
7) 4) Go for ktv farewell for Didi.

So now the deal is after Sunshine leaves for work at 7 and GJPS to go meet a friend at 8, that will leave me hanging around alone doing nothing if Sheryo decides to go off as well. :
Plan number 2 seems to be the way to go. But if I am gonna make my way down to Happy might as well go all the way to Sentosa right? Hur hur. And go chit chat with my AM friend from Sakae Sushi. And take a look at we all know who. Hiaks.

Any flies out there equally bored? So what are your plans for today?

Why the Wait?

Call me silly.

I am waiting. And I am not taking my words back.

I thank you kind hearted souls (baby GJPS included) for wanting the best for me, and advising me against my decision in this situation... But you guys don't know/understand the full story and it won't be fair to him to write every single detail down here.

In short, the waiting is on my life's agenda. If I could have waited for silly Bittercoffee for 9 months before, I'll do the same for him.

There's no incentives. No promises from him except mine. No expectations. Just waiting.

Now I love a fool. No, that makes me a fool for loving that fool. Poo.

Single But Not Available?

That tear I wrote of earlier on was a tear of elation.

Are you asking me to wait for you indirectly or suggesting that I wait within a given time frame possibly hoping that something good will come out of this, or just me waiting indefinitely with the uncertainty of a future together or even worse.

This a gamble I need to take. I don't know. Though I am picturing the worst scenario whereby I graduate from university in four years and still waiting wondering where I stand, yet you turn up with another girl saying that you love her instead... Man I think I will buy a pistol from the black market and shoot the girl dead.

Someone asked me a rather good question. "You (me)'ve know MV for barely 2 months, so what makes you trust him so much to the extent you tell him (almost) everything?"

I don't know either, I just do.

Butterfingers

3 hours of sleep is obviously insufficient when working a 10-hour shift that commences at 9 blardy am. Barely into the first 3 hours of work, my accomplishments apart from juggling doing the opening and serving the early guests, include successfully breaking a milk jug, getting nicked in the process and scraping myself on the right leg against sunbed 4 while delivering a QP Pizza to the guest. The misfortune did not end there. A sudden downpour in the late afternoon caught us by surprise and in trying to clear the ashtrays and the tins of cocktail napkins from the unsheltered tables, I somehow in my haste, unknowingly cut my smallest toe on the left foot. Blardy deep cut that exposed my flesh! Ouch! I am so prone to injuries, with the numerous bruises and cuts on my legs from the time I started working at Coastes. A new one pops out even before the old wounds (mostly blue blacks) could recover. My throat is itchy. I'm slacking right now cos my shift is long over but I stayed on partially to see more of him and partly cos I didn't feel like going back home to face the family. And also cos I get to spend more time with my Gothic Jap Porn Star. Would certainly have fallen asleep had it not been for the many sticks I inhaled. It's now that hard to just fall asleep now. Yawn.

For You

Damn. A rewrite of the post. I can't figure how I lost it. Anyway, here's the original I painstakingly typed out again.

"Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Though I think this song describes you aptly now, I've got a gift of another song to you.

"Barbra Streisand featuring Bryan Adams - I Finally Found Someone"

Bryan:
I finally found someone, that knocks me off my feet
I finally found the one, that makes me feel complete

Barbra:
We started over coffee, we started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin

Bryan:
This time it's different,

Barbra:
Dah dah dah dah

Bryan:
It's all because of you,

Barbra:
Dah dah dah dah

Bryan:
It's better than it's ever been

Both:
'Cause we can talk it through

Barbra:
Oohh, my favorite line was "Can I call you sometime?"
It's all you had to say

Both:
To take my breath away
This is it, oh, I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one, to be with every night

Barbra:
'Cause whatever I do,

Bryan:
It's just got to be you
My life has just begun
I finally found someone,

Barbra:
Ooh, someone

Bryan:
I finally found someone,

Barbra:
Oooh . . .

Bryan:
Did I keep you waiting,

Barbra:
I didn't mind

Bryan:
I apologize,

Barbra:
Baby, that's fine

Bryan:
I would wait forever

Both:
Just to know you were mine

Bryan:
You know I love your hair,

Barbra:
Are you sure it looks right?

Bryan:
I love what you wear,

Barbra:
Isn't it the time?

Bryan:
You're exceptional,

Both:
I can't wait for the rest of my life . . .
This is it, oh, I finally found someone
Someone to share my life
I finally found the one, to be with every night

Barbra:
'Cause whatever I do,

Bryan:
It's just got to be you
My life has just begun
I finally found someone,

Barbra:
Whatever I do,

Bryan:
It's just got to be you

Both:
My life has just begun
I finally found someone

I hope you are able to catch the essence of the lyrics in bold. Somehow words just fail to express my thoughts on paper. And I for once, is unable to verbalise them either. But that one single drop of tear that ran down my left cheek, did.

I'll wait. I'll wait. For as long as it'll take you to recover. I'll wait for that day to come. When you finally decide to have me.

I need a hug. So badly.

Murphy's Law

5.25 am, June 27 2005.

Things could only get worse, right?

The entry I typed last night was unfortunately wiped out when I fell asleep in the living room leaving both my computers on and stupidly forgetting to save it. The best part was I don't even remember walking to the sofa to rest my eyes. That was just how tired I was. Waking up on Sunday morning only to exclaim out loud, "Oh fuck!" (Doesn't that just sound familiar my GJPS?)

Getting the old computer to work is pissing the crap out of me. The new one has been around for 3 months but it was only recently that we got the router to link it up to the net. So problem is the new one works just fine but the old one (where all my saved links, bookmarks and access to my singnet email via outlook express are) just can't connect to the internet. HUMBUG!

Today was an alright day at work, sadly, not as busy as I had thought it to be. Glad going in to Sentosa was a breeze. No long queues to battle cos it is the last day of school hols! Hur hur! Too bad for all you school going kids! Poo!

There are the good parts of my day like when Edwin, photojournalist from Straits Times, called in the morning just before work to get me to do the column for hot bods. I agreed. Got CC's permission (Thank you very nice!) and slipped out during dinner break to do the photoshoot. Felt a little unnatural and awkward doing it cos after all, I don't really like having my photos taken (and in bikini somemore, with very light make up that's all been smudged from the perspiration during work earlier) but it's a good interesting experience. While Edwin was waiting for me to go on break, he got another skimmer boy to be featured in the column as well. I'm waiting and crossing my fingers that I won't look horrid in it.

MV looked grouchy. NO, he was grouchy. Bah. Scrunching his face. Poo and I didn't get to talk to him before he left. But CC pulled me out for a long talk, sufficient for me to have 4 cigarettes and possibly even more.

Enjoyable talking with Is and Leo on our night outing to Happy with their friends.

Two free drinks from Jem the bartender. Saved $24! Hur hur. But that's cos he nearly misplaced my card and caused me about hour of waiting just to sign my card (which turns out that the other bartender left it on the shelf in a cup beside the bottles of alcohol). This time I am not mistaken, this guy is hitting on me and attempting miserably to flirt. Sorry, my heart is taken. Even if it wasn't, I would still prefer sitting by the bar, watching Martell pull that long sulky face of his than to have you blow kisses pathetically at me and create loads of action in front of me. He called and messaged on Friday after having stole my number on Thursday at Happy. Both I ignored. Heh.

Oops. I hope he ain't that internet savvy as Handsome is and best not to read this blog and realise who the author behind this blog is.

Then CC came along to Happy after half of a bottle of Chivas with his friends to talk to me for he was feeling miserable over my good pal and needed a listening ear.

So us, two dumb lovelorn fools sat eating prata, talking and smoking till 5ish on a Monday morning at Chinatown mooning over the guy/girl we can't have. Haha. Pathetic. Back home only to configure my singnet email settings on the new computer, download emails into the Inbox and be shocked by the content of a message from a certain special someone.

Looking at Martell and thinking of you. Messaging King and thinking of you. Talking to CC and thinking of you. Having my photoshoot for Hot Bods with Edwin the photojournalist and still thinking of you (especially when he told me to relax and think of happy thoughts, you were the only thing I could think of) . Serving customers and thinking of you (this does not mean I put in less than a 100% effort and concentration at work).

My my my. There's only You you you.

Yogurt and Yukult...

Goes hand in hand. They make a wonderful supper just before I sleep.

My nose is dripping again and hurting from blowing it overly hard. Was feeling ill earlier in the day, and having cold shivers despite wearing a thick denim jacket in the hot blazing sun.

Work is good cos it keeps me busy and keeps me from thinking about you.

And damn do I not like it when I heard about how you behave in this manner, teasing girls who like you, blowing hot and cold.

I was so upset hearing it that I ate up the yummy thing I had bought for him 5 days ago.

I wished I didn't have to hear all that. It is not in me to play this kinda teasing games cos

1) I'm not a player
2) I get victimised more often than not since guarding my heart is not my forte
3) I am a sucker for brooding pai kias like you
4) When I fall, I fall really hard. Wince.

Ouch. My msn conversation with Zenth goes...

Zenth says:
the teasing game?
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
damn it hate my ****.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
think he's playing games with my heart
Zenth says:
really?
Zenth says:
why not sort it all out with him?
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i dont know. he's cleverly averting the questions
Zenth says:
hmm..
Zenth says:
then give him an ultimatum..
Zenth says:
hahaha.
Zenth says:
no no no no no... don't phunk with my heart..~
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
hahahahha
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
he has nothing to lose.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
really
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
he has loads of girls who like him
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i am but one of them
Zenth says:
then it all depends on your choice of actions then.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
enlighten me master
Zenth says:
well...
Zenth says:
how much do you really like him?
Zenth says:
i mean.. is it really worth it? that's what you've gotta ask yourself.
Zenth says:
is it going to be worth all the emotions and effort? and what are the chances they all won't be put to waste?
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i dont know.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i like him alot enough to tell him i even got ******
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i have already sunk alot of emos into it...
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i dont know..
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
when i fall.. i fall terribly hard..
Zenth says:
but are ur feelings returned?
Zenth says:
if not.. then don't waste any more time and effort into it because ultimately, it's only you that's going to get all the pain right?
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i dont know if my feelings are returned..
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
it seems they are at times..
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
and not at times..
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
i dont know how he feels towards me.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
really
Zenth says:
then i think..
Zenth says:
"He's just not into you"
Zenth says:
because if he really liked you, he would have already done something.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
shit
Zenth says:
it's the truth..
Zenth says:
he might say he's still getting over his ex and all.. but i think that's all just excuses.
Zenth says:
i think you should get that book.
Zenth says:
haha.
Zenth says:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/excerpts/2004-09-08-hes-just_x.htm
Zenth says:
http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200409/tows_past_20040922.jhtml
Zenth says:
http://dating.about.com/od/justforthegals/qt/HesNotIntoYou.htm
Zenth says:
that last link seems good.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
damn
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
sigh. oh well.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
love sucks big time.
Zenth says:
sorry to tell you all this.
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
its ok. better now than never or later.
Zenth says:
i mean.. i think you're moving onto to another stage in your life and something like this is what's holding you back..
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
oh my bingo!
miryclay - i do not like the teasing game says:
incredibly spot on!
Zenth says:
hahaha.
Zenth says:
but really, you're moving into something good.. so don't let something like this hold you back.

Yes, we all know what's the right step for me now, don't we? Can someone please tell my heart that and pray that some sense gets knocked it at the same time.

last one for the day

Tired. Tired.

Yawns. I need a stick.

Damn, thought I could count on SDU to settle my love life... But while chatting to Mandrake, only do I realise that I need a degree or at least a diploma in order to be admitted into SDU! No shit!

Extremist Blogging

5 posts in a matter of 1.5 hours?

Definitely my last one cos my eyelids are drooping so low that I barely know what I am typing.

I fucking miss you! Bah. I don't know what's wrong with you again. But well, I suppose you have your reasons for not replying.

I don't want to feel emo anymore. Sleeping shall take that away temporarily. Till I awaken. Until then. Farewell.

Liberate yourself at Sentosa!

I really wanted to go sleep.

BUT... This is for my friend Aloy! Please do support him you party animals out there!

He has organized an event at Sentosa and I'm going to be there too (after work ends at 1 for me lah) so gather your folks, friends, family what not, bring them down and party away at Sentosa Magical Fountain! Will be really fun!!! If not fun, I... erh... give free kiss! Hur Hur Hur. Really never bruff you.. It will be fun!

And just maybe, I can pass you one or two free drinks (that's when I do get mine from him as well!) Heh.

So check THIS out NOW! And not forgetting to purchase the tickets!



While you are at that... check it out on Nightlife.sg's noticeboard for the promotion!

And the deejay line up is just awesome... Hope to see you there!

An Ultra Big Decision

Though I had wanted to convert to part-time come July, I have decided that I will stay on in Coastes as a full-timer till August.

I am not gonna let my parents know about this till some time later for their incessant nagging will drive me up the wall. But reason for me staying on is not cos of MV or BP but cos of CC. CC may not know this, but truly, he has earned my respect cos in spite of his moodswings, short fuse and oddities at times, he's really been a fantastic supervisor who has taught me much (not trying to curry favour here alright). And he did express that he wants me to stay on and help (slaving more like it heh) and for him, I will.

I don't know how to elaborate on this but yeah, somehow I will figure a way to cope with school in bloody-far-away Boon Lay, continue teaching Smart Science at Ascend at bloody-far-away Parkway, as well as waitress at Coastes in bloody-far-away Sentosa when term starts. And geez, that's in a short 1 month's time.

I foresee that I am gonna age considerably. Time to rebond my hair to look young? Sayonara to curled wavy mane and mature looks? My wrinkles, so as my zits, are popping out. Ahhh... shall leave the ranting to another day. Nights folks. Heading to bed.

On Love

1) I love my babes, my girlfriends. Really do. My girlfriends just rock. From Marycherry and Sunshine who's been there for me through my dumps since befriending them in Cedar to the Gothic Jap Porn Star to Maggy Mag and Sheryo.

2) I love my bestest brothers. These the ones who hear me whimper and whine. Skimmer cum Starbucks Senior Barista Zhen who gives me my free coffee and damn solid hugs whenever I am sad and Bittercoffee who doles out advices everytime I am in shit, cycling over to my place for uhm talk cock sessions (not so often now and I'll really miss it when school starts). Zhen, remember, we'll be growing old together and we are moving in to the same old folks home to keep each other company cos I'll be left on the shelf while you are too fussy about your choice of girls! Haha!

3) I love my jobs. Teaching and waitressing. Teaching for the love of money? Hur hur. But the kids provide me an avenue to escape at times from the harsh working reality even though they can piss the shit out of me. Trust me, these kids in these days know way more than I do back when I was still a little girl. Waitressing has taught me a lot that I wanted to learn from the food and beverage industry. Am still learning and damn glad I'm working in Coastes cos each day is a new experience, each day a new challenge.

4) I love my younger sister. Thank you girl so much. I really appreciate her. She the one who cleans up after me (I used to be a tidy freak till somehow I morphed into a lazy pig who can hardly bother to contribute to the household chores), she the one who despite being two years younger than me is so much more mature in handling bgrs, she the one who encouraged me while I retook my A Levels with her last year, she the one who taught me my Statistics cos I hated it so much, she the one who loves me unconditionally (yes and loaning me her money when I am broke that scrooge!) and yes, she the one who does up my to-do-lists when I couldn't care less (like settling my NTU's paperwork!) and she who nags at me like my mother! Two years ago, we still fought like crazy. Two years later, hugs and all. Fuck I wish she had accepted NTU's offer of the accountancy course instead of NUS' architecture so at least we could stay together in the same hall and hostel and have her to continue be my Maria! But really, thank you for taking care of me when I should be the bigger sister to you.

5) I love you I think. But it's alright you don'tt. What wouldn't break me will make me a stronger person. So yeah, you may just be another passerby in my life as I am for you but thank you for everything thus far. Just thank you.

You know peeps, I am running out of vocabulary but I, who is so frivolous with my love, has only this to tell you guys. I love you all. Love cannot be measured by a yardstick so let me prove my love to you people some day. Time will tell even when the waves come in and wash away the traces of our stories on the sand.

Barely Happy

Just got home from Happy with the Gothic Jap Porn Star and CC.

Talking to the usual people at Happy from Toilet Uncle to Rozzy.

Was an interesting time befriending new people... the very experienced and outstanding bartenders in their era... Kenny, Adam and Keen.

Saw Ad from Chinablack. He still looks mousey. Ok that's besides the point.

Lousy bartender who friendster-ed me some crap... bah. Fucker took my phone to call his own phone before I could even say NO. Damn it. I DO NOT like him at all. Ugh. Nevermind, as GJPS puts it, no harm knowing another friend. Yes, maybe more free drinks coming my way. I hope.

Found out that Martell is on reservist, hence explaining why he disappeared for the past 3 weeks. I still don't get it when Mr Bond said that I missed the chance. So Martell liked me and stopped liking me all in a span of 4 days? God, will You kindly stop giving me men who blow hot and cold. I can't take the temperature difference. In geography, when a rock experiences extreme diurnal change in temperature over time, it undergoes physical weathering ranging from...

Thermal expansion and contraction can weaken rock and cause it to disintegrate. In deserts, surface materials get exceedingly hot during the day and be exposed to cold temperatures at night. The expansion upon heating and contraction during cooling weakens rock breaking it apart. Alternate wetting and drying causes material to expand and contract, thus weakening rocks and inducing them to break as well. Regardless of process, the result is a mass of unconsolidated material.

What I am going through is disintegration of the emotions. Fuck emo.

Anyway, GJPS is exceptionally happy seeing her Mr Bond. And that girl is damn ill. Wish I could just pour some cough mixture down her throat to stop her coughing. Girl, you are banned from smoking and drinking for an entire week. My word is law. Get it?

I need a practice partner to practise my frenching. I seriously lack the skills and technique. What to do when I have close to zero tongue exercise. Zilch with the one and only ex boyfriend and just erm, occasional sessions with random people and slightly more times with the GJPS... GJPS and I frenched. Bah. Not good lah. I suck. Practise makes perfect. No SWEAT?

Too engrossed in my little world...

To realise that a big hoo-hah has been brewing between the media, XX and the SPG.

I am blurry eyed. I ended up watching an hour of tv and promptly falling asleep till 30 minutes ago when I woke up for a quick toilet break.

Am feeling too old for clubbing.

Whatever works

I shall go club tonight with Sunshine and Sheryo.

Hopefully this will take my mind off him.

Resistance is Futile

Resist resist resist. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can I can I can I can! Cheesebuns. The brain washing is not working. Why must you dominate my thoughts? Why? I'm sounding like an airhead. Sitting by the pool attempting to sort out my school issues and taking in my number 17th stick of the day. No good. My mind is swamped and infested by him and him and more him! Ugh.

sleepyheads

An excellent post by Uncle Sir Mandrake.

'Why does watching someone sleeps next to you an enjoyable thing to do?'

-- Quote Mandrake.

GULPS.

I know who I will want to watch fall asleep on the same bed as I am.

A 21 year old's life crisis

Major overhauls.

I am not prepared for school. Dreading it so much that my heart palpitates at the thought of returning to school after a hiatus of 2.5 years spent slogging in the work force. Two of my supervisors have told me (jokingly I assume) to not return to school if I find it a chore, and continue working. But frankly, I tried reading a book (non-fictional) and promptly went to snooze in a matter of 5 minutes. Simply couldn't get past the third paragraph and this is just how much books bore me.

Procrastinated all the decision making till yesterday night when NTU sent me an email for failing to settle my matriculation, hostel application etc. Having to sift through the numerous letters/leaflets of freshmen orientation camps, debating within myself to go or not. And yet to consolidate the bank loans and stuff. Wrecked by the massive load of things to settle. Applied for hostel. Not looking forward to staying in hall with brother. I gotta smoke stealthily. Damn.

The apprehensiveness of having to be a Boon Lay girl for the next 4 years is scaring the shit out of me. Freedom within space. How true Zen|th.

Zen|th says:
you should get a boyfriend on the campus.. then it won't be so bad.
miryclay - i hate what i am feeling says:
i dont want any other guy but him.

I wonder if its mutual likings for each other or just a response by you to yet another one of the many one-sided loves by the girls around you. Because I have to give you time, and myself time to find out. But the waiting sucks. It's just so me to wanna jump into something spontaneously. But this step to take it further seems as daunting as the Great Barrier Reef in Australia and as impossible as scaling the Sphinx in Egypt.

First, your feelings towards your ex?

Two, my school in far away Boon Lay/Jurong as opposed to your place in Ghim Moh, my primary workplace in Parkway Parade and our common workplace in Sentosa and my own home in Braddell. Throw in a hectic engineering time table plus whatever shit hall activities I would have to participate in order to accumulate enough points to continue staying in dorm the next semester.

Three, the nature of your job that could mean you working late into the witching hours while I could be very well in slumberland. But this part is easy. Since I am very much still nocturnal.

Four, us being coworkers. According to the clause on the employee's guidebook... ahh, just screw the fucked rule. At most "I quit" in the worst scenario to come.

Five, more time spent apart than together... will I be another one to flit in and out of your life then? Not to say I am insecure. I've long overcome that insecurity aspect for myself but doubts still lingers.

Bah. I hate feeling emo.

An hour doesnt pass by without you popping out from the nooks and crannies of my mind. Each word you said, each smile you grin, each frown etched on your face, each act you carried out, and each nicety you did for me.

Boy, I am so sick of people telling me you're playing with my feelings.

I can't even say I know better to trust my own instincts cos my senses and intuition have fled me the moment I realised I do like you beyond your looks.

Yesterday, I was a natural magnet to lonliness as I trawl the streets of Orchard alone, shopped alone and browsed the books alone.

Bought two tops from Raffles Place, a book at Borders. A book on spirits and wines and cocktails. Am still trying to learn more about alcohol. No point being an alchie if my knowledge about alcohol is appallingly close to zero.

I leave myself with this song. Hur hur. My older brother's favourite song from Rick Price, titled 'Heaven Knows'.

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)
Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?
(Repeat Chorus)
Heaven knows... heaven knows.

Yea, replace the 'shes' with 'hes'. This song kicks ass breaks heart.

A child's prayer

This quoted from the Bible, "Let your yes be a yes and a no be a no."

I wish you didn't blow hot and cold.

Lord, I pray you grant me strength during this period. I pray you give me faith and confidence to know that my decision to return to school is right. Father teach me to trust in your providence. And Lord for you to take care of all my problems. In Jesus name, Amen.

There is no problem too big
God cannot solve it

p/s: Zen|th, which verse is this?

Bus 93

Frustrated! I hate all the damn constraints. I can't see him openly as I wish. I can't even drop by to pass him the thing I've made for him and the yummy snack I bought for him! I don't want to put him in an awkward position. So back home I go from Harbourfront. Never mind the fact I won't get to see him till Friday because my off days and his don't match. Nor to mention the impending fact that school is starting soon in a month's time which I have decided to skip the supposedly fun camps in July so I could work and see more of him (earning the money is just an excuse!). What the heck! I ABSOLUTELY abhor what I am feeling right now. Feeling fucked about two other people significant to me. And great cos I can't say anything to anyone nor blog about it without having busy bodies shooting their mouths off inconsequentially. What fuck is this blog for then? Where is my brother Bittercoffee when I need him?

i want to lose myself..

in a pack of cigs.
in beer.
in you.

fuck chuck marry has never been more applicable in my life than today.
i will chuck her and marry and fuck you.

here's one of my all time favourite christian song that i love to sing when leading worship.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right,
But even winners can get wounded in the fight.
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years,
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while,
'cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

Unafraid because His armor is the best.
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing, never face retreat.
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while,
'cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and look up for a smile,
'cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

Another drafted entry posted late by 2 days, 9 hours and 20 minutes cos I fell asleep at the com table.

Traces of the past

Have you ever wondered if your current resembles the ex who resembles the ex ex who then resembles the ex ex ex... and well you get the gist.

Essentially, it bottoms down to finding traces of your ex-es in your current.

I find this rather true of myself of the peeps I fall for.

From Darth, to Bittercoffee, to Martell, to King, and MV.

Hur hur hur.

Shall do a scan of the table I charted. Soon. If I manage to overcome that procrastination bug.

p/s: This was drafted on June 10 2005 at 11.55 am. And as you can see, I still have not scanned in that piece of table of comparision I made while I was so bored on the way to work.

bridge under troubled waters

this seems to be the 101th time i'm writing about how screwed up my life is.

how wrong can things get? disastrous.

i love a man whose heart will never be mine. his still lingers on with his ex.

another likes me for the person i am at work. whom i realise i have no emotional connection with. yet i did what i did. something i will not usually do in my right frame of mind. yet outright rejection is cruel as much as i have no wish to let this situation deteriorate.

the world damn fucking world can judge me. but not you. you whose opinions matter more than others.

it's been a long time since i've prayed for forgiveness and for strength to withstand another day of turmoil. but lord, help me.

of retribution i fear. of love i cringe. of you i only wish none of that had happened.

insanity

yesterday went out with someone and had ice blended mocha.

met sunshine at mccafe at lido and had double choc. too sweet. bah.

met handsome at alley for free hoegaarden.

dropped by ice cold beer (i couldn't go in and had to stand outside like a fool) where mandrake (with his good friend c), sandralicious, tripleperiod and onelittletwit were chilling out. onelittletwit looked so yummy in her spectacles, as do sandralicious usually is.

three half pints of hoegaarden. 1 hazelnut martini, stolen sips of rambutan and appletini martinis and cosmopolitan. and what the fuck, can't remember how many glasses or jugs of bourbon coke (i hate it! i really do!) and vodka redbull.

went happy with handsome and met baby there.

my bladder was unusually full. half a dozen trips to the ladies to empty it. and not to mention the last two was done by way of the merlioning.

i am so glad i am not suffering from any hangovers.

rozzy at happy so cute.

mr bond made gothic jap porn star one happy baby.

handsome is charming. nearly charmed my pants off.

back to place where the gothic jap porn star calls home with handsome. a morning of disrupted sleep. where the london train (me) goes choo and the mass rapid transit train (gjps) goes whee. you get a poor soul completely wrecked and deprived of sleep. right handsome?

Alchie

This is my plans for the night. With Ergo. Free flow beer (hoegaarden) at Alleys. Lovely.

For now, I'll be leaving to meet someone.

MV sounds distraught again. For a woman not worthwhile his time. Blast. Silly as it seems, it's his choice. Moodswings aren't great. I hate moodswings. But not as much as I dislike the pill that induces the moodswings.

GJPS baby, have fun at work with Nasz.

Lonely? Yes. Very much still. I want that one who matches me intellectually, connects emotionally, and clicks physically.

And it's tough being frank and to not lead her on.

Shoot shoot shoot me please.

Or maybe I just need another beer to comfort myself.

Pit Low

In the dumps.

I need an outlet to vent off all that frustrations accumulating in me.

Wonder if shitting them out works.

Shifting house a second time

UNCLE MANDRAKE.....................................!!!

I have decided to shift over to LB... I need my privacy to blog and not have people intrude into my little haven. Stifled I do not wish to be. I can't even write about how I feel without worrying that people will talk about me. Gossip about me.

From freemanhaven at blogdrive dot com and escapist on the run at diary-x dot com to the current queen of the jungle at blogspot dot com, I have shifted servers numerous times to evade the people reading my blog. Not like I have been stalked but somehow each time I feel highly encroached and the urge to run away as usual is overwhelming.

I hide in the dark, hoping not to get discovered.

I am looking forward to the Meiji Yogurt and chocs that MV hopefully remembers that he promised on Sunday... Well some sort of promise...

Sometimes, being all alone and single is not a bad thing.

another point

thanks airhole for the ride home.

note to self: must learn not to take things for granted.

i like chilling out with older/mature thinking folks... cos they have had more experience and knowledge to share and impart... plus im more a listener than yakker.

Quote worthy from dear mary cherry

Note to myself...

postlapsarian lilith says:
u need to just stop following what everyone tells u to do
postlapsarian lilith says:
it's your life
postlapsarian lilith says:
u can't possibly follow what everyone wants you to do
postlapsarian lilith says:
there's bound to be conflicts

Significant number

And that will be 12th.

1) Got together with the ex on 12th February 2001.
2) With Bittercoffee on 12th August at Phuture leading to a 13th last year 2004 that sparked the fiasco between us.
3) Met Martell on 12th February 2005 this year at Happy and going back to his place on a 13th morning.
4) 12th June 2005.

suay!

Kena period.

Irregular menses. Cramps. Bloatedness. Burping. Charming.

Felt faint during class. Had it not been for the railing, I would have fallen down the stairs while I was taking a smoke break in the midst of my non-stop teaching of 6.5 hours.

Damn lack of sleep.

And I am leaving house for CC's place now. More drinking. and bleeding.

You prolly need time alone. Take care of yourself MV. Don't go so hard on yourself. And yeah, don't smoke so much too. Cheers.

Set Apart

Other than the 4 drops of tears I shed from feeling all too sorry for myself for getting fucked verbally, the various cuts and nicks on my fingers, the numerous bruises on my legs, the day wasn't really that bad.

I served Celia Loe the model, her sister and a guy friend of theirs. Beautiful people the sisters are. Celia's sister is so strikingly gorgeous with that face of hers and that long lanky frame and her personality simply just draws people like a magnet. So enigmatic. So as I was serving them their food, and clearing their table, Celia's sister went, "So are you Chinese or Malay?" I went "I don't look Malay, do I?"

"No, You look Nepalese, very sweet and pretty."

Oh my, even it was just words of humour to a tired, perspiring server, it just felt good on the ego! Hur hur. But Nepalese looking girl? Hmmm, compliment or not?

Ah what the? I can't really think. More blisters on my achy feet. Think I pulled the muscles on my left ankle. The shin and the arch is all feeling tight and locked and it hurts when I walk.

What's nice is when your patrons/customers thank you for your good service and that itself is satisfying and rewarding.

Do I look that dense?

Kel made me feel so small and damn fucking stupid.

Come on, it's such a bloody small thing, not even an error, absolutely not my fault (I'm innocent!!!) yet get fucked by you for no good reason.

If I am that fucking stupid, I wouldn't have made it to university! If I were rude enough, I would have retorted back in you face just exactly how smart and brilliant you are.

I don't mind being treated like a man or working like one doing all the manual labour but hell, God gave you balls for a reason too. As a captain, it's even more important that you set a good example for us under you to emulate. And quit sian-ing my baby. It's just downright disgusting the way you practise favouritism.

I am not jealous nor envious cos I really don't like you (dislike yes). But hey, there's really no good reason for you to pick on me. Don't start on the "You are a full-timer" thing cos I won't be in another 1.5 months time. And even then, part-timer, full-timer or not, we are all humans, equal and deserving of that decent human respect and treatment.

If there's no other way for you to release all that frustration pent up in you, kindly please go screw a monkey and not take it on me or any of us floor staff for that matter. Thank you very much.

Yours lovingly,
Miryclay (seething with anger)

If only I had the guts to say that to him. But I am just too sweet and nice for such an arsehole. Ain't worth my time. I would rather spend my time thinking of good-looking BP and MV.

Amplify amply

I don't usually post lyrics up.

But this is another exception... Every sentence strikes a chord and its relevance echoes my silent thoughts and resonating my feelings.

And the band at Wala Wala played this last night.

It's Sway by Bic Runga.

Don't stray, don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true

[CHORUS:]
Say you'll stay, don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way, yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

[CHORUS TWICE]

It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon
It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true

[CHORUS TWICE]

It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

Come Fuck Me

*Updated*

Hahaha! The bloggers who met up at Wala Wala last night will know what this "Come Fuck Me" thing is all about.

It's actually this game "Fuck Chuck Marry" whereby fuck means you just fuck a person, chuck meaning you discard this other person and marriage involves no sex, i.e. companionship.

Whether or not you base your answers on superficiality - the looks, the body, or character and personality, or even because of desperate-no-choice alternatives, this game is played in the name of fun and purely for laughs.

It started with me playing this game with Mandrake since we were there first, with Sandralicious, Mail Order Bride, One Little Twit, and Tripleperiod joining us later.

This game will require some common friends and hence, we threw in names of bloggers such as...

Mr Miyagi
Kenny Sia
Xia Xue

Oh my! Who will you choose to fuck, chuck or marry???

Try this game with your friends. It does reveal a little more about their choice of people and how well you know them. I can confidently say I know Mandrake pretty well now.

No prizes for guessing who got chucked in the options below...

Sandralicious
One Little Twit
Miryclay (aka myself)

Fucking Hell! I GOT CHUCKED by both Tripleperiod and Mandrake!!!

And to think I actually offered to marry Mandrake! Bloody Shit! I paid Tripleperiod back in kind by chucking him later! :P

It was hilarious seeing the way the guys pick up the game.

I still have got that piece of incriminating evidence that I am so tempted to scan it in and publish it. But bloggers' honour (as One Little Twit always puts it) to save the bloggers' arses from being flamed, therefore I shan't.

A pint of hoegaarden from Walas, an oreo cheese cake (that sucks too dry, flaky and lacking in texture) from Gelato, more or less completed my day.

Not to mention a small little gift for a someone made me smile.

* Mandrake also wrote about this... Now see great minds do think alike. Ho ho ho. *

Little Miss Chimney

Another 3 sticks and I would have finished my new pack I bought for fucking $13 at Velvet last night.

Spent another $10.50 on a vodka lime, one free cranberry bacardi breezer courtesy of Mandrake and the rest were 3 big mouthfuls of damn potent Long Island Tea (concocted by Joel's bartender friend at Phuture) and some lame bourbon coke each.

Another mini blogger convention. Full list of people here. The babes are drool worthy. the men are charmers. I no like Mambo. Hur hur. Thank god we shifted over to Phuture shortly after that. Didn't get much opportunity to dance/talk with FF and One Little Twit. Was good to catch up with Scarlett Ting again. Poor babe I hope things work out for you soon ya...

I was sick with the yearning, sick with the fearing, sick with the waiting. Waiting for you to make contact. While fagging half my life away by the pool. The first message of the day came to me. Excitedly I thought it was you. But no, my neighbour who saw me by the pool. Damn. Another neighbour came and talked to me. Damn. And even left me a note at the sign-in book at the guard's counter.

"Pls smile and enjoy the rest of your day."

How to when the one I seek is not there?

How to have a m-o-b like you when I will fall for you much too deeply then you will ever for me.

loser in love

weird dream that i had. dreamt of kissing a guy (can't even recall who the fuck it was cos the face was a complete unfamiliar strange one). must be the kiss that Sandralicious gave me kept me lingering for more, especially since I had gone convent in long ago march? my last kiss other than being licked by the shetland dog yesterday evening in the mouth.

sigh.

:(

i miss talking to mv over msn and smses.

fuck.

love sucks. i'm never gonna date again. i never wanna love again. it hurts more often than not.

:(

shall go fag by the pool. in solitary.

feeling emo

today. emo day.

mv, i don't know what went wrong. but things are just wrong.
i dont wanna feel like a spare though nothing is gonna happen/is happening or has happened yet. i dont know. i am very messed up. very confused. was upset you got upset. the sudden moodswings. you didn't say it out, but you were angry. and i felt it was at me.

i miss gjps. very much. the chilling out at coffeebean j8. the fuck chuck marry. the talk about life and future plans. how we wanna stay together. the peeps we fall for. everything. how much i miss you? infinite.

bp, thank you for the very sweet message at work. though you lust after my cigarettes more than you miss me. but it's ok. i'm chill. and thank you for helping me out when i was alone today.

same for my sayang. what can i say but ultra big thank you. you deserve the two lollies and the lava brownie ice cream from sakae. definitely.

kel's picking on me for the silliest things. i know i haven't been exactly very very alert. but i am doing my best. my very best.

uncle, thank you for helping me in clearing the ashtrays, the cocktail napkins, the mattresses, the ultra big brolly (which nearly crushed me). thank you.

i felt very much like crying while standing by the beach today. staring into the horizon or more like palawan island. the stars. the lights across on the mainland. engulfed. i felt small. felt unworthy.

unworthy in my family. unworthy for mv. unworthy for work. unworthy of anything. i wrote on the sand, "unworthy" in caps, and wishing for the waves to wash it away, to reassure me that i am of worth. but no. it was low tide. and the waves didn't go the way i wanted.

i smoked damn alot today. one and a half pack. fuck. i am on my way to joining the legions of cancer patients in the world.

thank you mandrake. thank you for the great big bear hug i so needed. for being the listening ear to my stupidity. for holding my phone and my cigs at phuture. for just being there. grateful i am.

i am dozing off. more about the mini blogger convention at zouk/phuture when i awake. yummilicious babes. and sandralicious and i kissed.

fuck that kiss left me wanting more. ugh.

Do not humour me

Harbouring it nursing it.

One sided sucks.

History repeating.

Emotionally wasted broken men are tiring.

That much I can give. But don't take too long. Cos when you do realize what you want, it would have been far too late. And I, long withdrawn.

Weird but strange. Do you truly mean it or was the application made in jest or are you just mind fucking me?

Am i just another girl out there like the many others before me who have fallen, and labelled under the 'silly fools' category?

Crying I will not do. Tears make me a weakling.

FF, I think I like pai kias too.. The ex looks pai kia, Martell too (except he's a muay thai trained dark skinned paikia) and so does the current crush. Hur hur hur.

I am Queen, regal and poised, no cheesebuns will make a mockery out of me.

So tell me quick before I sink too deep. I will scurry away faster than you can go "Boo!"

Too tired for much words

Hey, the thing about egoistical asshats wasn't targetted at you (unless you are one)! Don't be upset about it silly!

At work today, fun with Antz in the afternoon and Dan the silly twit at night.

Hur hur, can't write much here otherwise get screwed by supervisors who read this.

But MV is nice. Let us play. My snapshots at play work.


Soaking my numb feet in the raging sea. High tide.


The beach in front of Coastes. Lovely.


Where the shower head is. Damn blurry pictures.

Gave out my chupa chups to Sayang, Dan, Uncle, one little angmoh boy cos of silly twit Dan who lost to him and Didi.


Here's Didi like a little boy sucking on his lolly. So cute.

This for my baby whom I love.


I heart you GJPS.

This for the someone significant.


No cute no cute sir!

And lastly, damn my bad karma. Freaking accident prone I am. First the finger smashed by the fucking spoilt umbrella. Then hitting my head against the corner of MV's table in the office. Suay. Very suay.

Look at this. Cheesebuns.

Thoughts strewn all over

back from dinner and drinks with Mandrake, Joel and Sandralicious. Great company.

So now with all random thoughts this is what my brain's been up to:

1) news travel fast around at work. scandals rampant and rife.

2) is it one-sided, one-and-a-half-sided or requited between him and myself? good question asked silly twit dan.

3) what Mandrake said hits a spot, relationship for companionship or for love?

4) today is sixth of june. three months to turning twenty one.

5) detest egoistical asshats unless they have certain members to be proud of, eg. their intelligent minds.

6) low confidence self deprecating losers are like shit, damn turn off.

7) what FF said, i second that. very similar thinking that we share. hey she's a cool chick in case you peeps didn't know. that reminds me. i need to go buy new guitar strings.

8) updates on why I enjoy slaving at Coastes for that pittance of an income:
"http://queenofthejungle.blogspot.com/2005/05/update-in-its-most-boring-form-better.html"
sun (lovely sunsets too), sand, sea, sky, skimmers (hot they are), supervisor MV, damn fun/funny co-workers: baby GJPS, sayang CT, little boy Didi, mr nice JFK, horny CC (not when he's mad!), entertaining Is, silly twit Dan, Ant, PS and Rob (their characters still undetermined)

9) singapore is very small. Is knows Yvonne. his da jie. we think Is is happy man.

10) i like you. good enough? you know who lar. SWEAT remember?

11) There was a sole applicant for my post number 3. Offer accepted and work commences as soon as my tongue recovers fully and have better control over my saliva that pools! i don't wanna be drooling all over him!

Dreading the upcoming University life

Why I decided to follow the footsteps of past ancestors and take up Engineering instead of Arts & Social Sciences or Business:

1) Arts and Social Sciences a degree that is too general
2) Bachalor in Business too easily available on the market in open universities and can be accomplished in a matter of 2 years instead of the 3.
3) I can still branch out of Engineering into other fields like sales, marketing etc. (Though I am figuring out what aspects of Engineering can be linked to F&B)
4) I can go Dubai, and Middle Eastern Countries to work where it is opportunities galore.
5) A step closer to fulfilling dad's ambition of setting his own firm cos elder brother in Civil Engineering, younger sister entering Architecture, and me in Engineering rounds it up nicely.
6) God's will. I was admitted into Engineering in NTU and not Arts and Social Science in NUS...

So bleah. I've already appealed. Let's see how things go.

I would prefer to go NUS than NTU cos it's so much more accessible to home, town and work. I don't exactly fancy staying in Hall. But travelling to such damned ulu place leaves no choice but hostel.

NUS is nearer to uhm FF's place, nearer to Wala Wala, nearer to Clarke Quay, nearer to Tanjong Pagar, uhm, and nearer to XXX's place.

Hur hur hur.

After close to 2 years of working various jobs, I've not found a work place I've enjoyed till Coastes came along. A little late for me though. Cos... I may have to cut short my working time there... cos the farked Orientation Camp and Sports Camp starts in JULY!!! Ugh! No no no...

I want to see my XXX!!!

Damn. Will be spending most of my waking time mugging rather than clubbing or anything else cos Engine has labwork! Ugh. Wonder if there's something called the slackest engine course.

** To be edited later **

Bushed

Home not too long ago and now savouring my Meiji Yoghurt with Mixed Berries. It's absolutely yummy. No preservatives, low fat, low cholesterol and with milk calcium. A must eat.



The fruits bits are huge!



Been craving snickers the entire afternoon while working. Oh my gosh, I should just bring a box of it and stash it away in my locker.

Ended up buying chupa chups for the peeps which I got CT to hide it away for me cos everyone was too busy and she left before I could remember to get them back. Got ice cream from Sakae for CT too!

Main events of the day:
1) A solid gossiping session with Em working at Billabong full-time next door to us before starting work.
2) MV made a drink for I-don't-know-who. Got to taste it. Not too bad, but the kick's a little lacking boy.
3) MV's called Clar previously? That's something new I found out, the gossipy bits aside. But Clar doesn't fit him. Not a bit at all.
4) Caught up a little with Illustro and Sunshine.
5) Talking crap with Is, Rob, PS, JFK, Josh and of cos GJPS at work. Kicks.
5) Patron passing me a cocktail napkin telling me to wipe off my smudged mascara? (It's the eyeliner. Notes to myself: Get liquid waterproof make up)
6) Achy feet worse than training for cross-country. Ass so sore even squatting down actually relieves it.
7) Good sales.

Anymore of such boring pointers and you'll be falling asleep as I am doing so now. Yawns.

Coffee

Tired.

Need caffeine.
Need smoke.
Need hug.
Need choc.
Need ice cream.
Need sleep.

Yesterday:
Overslept. Woke up. Went Suntec. Met Zhen. Free Starbucks Caramel Rhumba Ice Blended Frappucino from Zhen my bro the senior barrista. Bought Martian Fellow Cookie for GJPS. Bought NYDC oreo cheesecake for MV. MV like, MV hopefully happy. GJPS like, GJPS happy. I am happy spending $. Haven't felt that for a long time.

Note to myself to get something for jealous CC, my super nice sayang CT, feeling sick BP, feeling heartbroken (I would think so) JFK and nice funny Josh who's always second or third last to be dropped off (usually before me). That's like the entire full time staff working there already. Leo and Kel already had their ice cream. So thats good. Maybe more ice cream for the rest.

What? Nothing for myself?

The smiles on their faces are good enough. :)

I wish I had you.

Good News

NTU has offered me a place in Engineering!

Dumbass Office of Admissions made a mistake and sent me a rejection letter instead! Phew! Made me upset for no blardy good reason!

Though happy that potentially I have no further worries about securing a degree locally but there's still much apprehension, especially on how my dad's gonna pay off the school fees given that he will have to support my elder brother (who's gonna be in his third year of civil engineering in the coming semester and two years to graduation), my younger sister (who's entering NUS this coming semester for a five-year-long architecture degree) and myself who's starting on Engineering (a four year course). Not to mention, my younger brother who will be taking his O Levels this year and probably enrolling into Polytechnic come next year.

Plus, accomodation expenses, allowances? Oh my, imagine the bills that will run up for my dad since I will most likely be staying in Hall (together with my brother) given that NTU is so out of the way in outermost West of Singapore. Hehe. But this also means... nearer to ahem. Nothing.

I digress.

My grades aint that fantastic to get a a scholarship. Perhaps for my sister. I will definitely need a bank loan and frankly I don't mind signing a bond with a company right now for them to pay for my schooling since that will also guarantee me a job when I graduate. But my choice of field of study is nowhere near my preferred interest in F&B. How sia?

Emeraldhillgroup Bosses, you want me? I promise to be good and slave for you.

Hehe.

Love-Joy

Can't get none! (doesn't this sound familiar baby?)

It does feel odd to have my coworkers (or otherwise the supervisors) reading my blog and equally bewildering that they seem interested to read on about my daily mundane life. How entertaining it has been for them (in the current standing of the BP vs MV match), I have no idea, but well if it keeps them happy and wacky, then thats good for them.

It is both amusing and frustrating to hear the two other supervisors digging at me. But ah... that adds to the fun element at work I suppose.

Is it not obvious when one's taken and the other's not (despite reminisciencing the ex)? Hahaha. If BP was a swinging single, then the situation would have been very different. But the fact is she is unavailable. And I am not about to be a third party in a relationship, despite a particular scandalous night of ****** *** with a married man at Bedroom Bar.

Poo! I couldn't stop grinning/smiling/laughing to myself for the rest of the night when a message from a certain someone sounded a little sore at my choice (in the previous entry). What does this mean then? How am I supposed to interpret that message? Literally? So I matter?

Damn, I am feeling the way Marycherry dear did, the part of a childish immature girl, peckish at having to deal with the load of emotions hurled my way.

You had no idea how the way you bade your farewell to me last evening, added a gait to my weary-laden steps. How a message from you lifted my almost gone-awry night (for having slipped on my job and causing an entire chain of unhapiness spiraling downwards). Or the way you slipped the $10 note to me last afternoon added a weird sense of familiarity and elation? Thank you very much, the ice cream tasted extremely good.

Hur hur, it first started off with Tripleperiod advertising for a date, then Sandralicious doing the female version of it.

Little do you guys know, mine was done even earlier on, however not asking not for a date but for respective make out, fag and drinking buddies, way back then. Though done in jest, but I did get offers of a fag and drinking buddies. None for make out buddies though. I am so uncharming. Damn.

Since breaking up with the my very first boyfrind, ex Darth, I realised that for every guy I actually fall deeply for has a song attached to them.

Started with Bittercoffee and The Reason by Hoobastank. [Had a lot more songs dedicated to him actually because the crush/love actually lasted for a frigging 8-9 months but this the most significant one]
Then out from nowhere came Martell and Skin On Skin by Sarah Connor [I think it's this song but bleagh, this pathetic friendship came and went in a matter of a month after that one night]
King and eh no song sia. Cannot be. Sure have one... [I guess all along I already knew he would be a good friend but nothing more cos he's attached too!]
MV and Collide by Howie Day.

The next song I can sing of hopefully will be Almost Here by Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem. I sure do not wish to sing of this lovelorn song - We're Not Making Love Anymore by Michael Bolton and Patti LaBelle at all. Hur hur hur.

Hope my baby Gothic Jap Porn Star is feeling better from having wasted her afternoon waiting at LABW for nothing. Will get her some chocs to cheer her up!

I miss Sunshine and Marycherry. Bah! Work keeps us apart. Damn.

Signing off,
Miryclay aka Queen

Fool's Garden

Mandrake and I have identified a common problem between the two of us.

We fall for people too easily. Not every Tom, Dick, Harry or Sally for that matter. Mind you, we've been engineered to feel the entrapment of love as conveniently as you take a dump.

You can liken us to Zhu Ba Jie (Pigsy) in Journey to the West with his favourite line "zi gu duo qing kong yu heng..." (Damn I can't remember the rest of what he spouted) Such fools we are.

Don't you guys just wish that you can just be blunt about your feelings? I am that sort of person. Quoting GJPS, who quoted CC, "I'm a very open person; if you're always discreet then there's no point in living on."

Please do away with all the mindfarking games. It's either a yes or a no. So tell me if you love me or say it out if you don't.

Yes, I like B P. She's cute and cute and cute. (She's gonna kill me for saying this... But I think her girlfriend not very cute!) Me cuter right? Wahahah!!

Yes, I like M V. Egoistic asshat but in all confidence, style and sombre. Feels like a crossbreed between Darth my one and only ex and Bittercoffee, the close bro I nursed a crush on last year. (He's gonna hate me for saying this... but his ex girlfriend not very good reputation since secondary school days!) Me more pure and innocent! Good right?

Yes, I like King. He's so nice. Just too nice. That explains his girlfriend. Hur hur.

No, I don't like Martell that much though breathing in his Clinique Happy for Men scent last night at Happy after my Blueberry Martini does exhilarating wonders for my soul. The kiss was even better, though if shared, could rock me to the moon and back.

I've made a new friend there at Happy. Rozzy the male host, floor staff, dancer etc. Ex California Fitness instructor. Whoo. He says I've got a nice lean body. Shall get him to train me up to be Little Miss Ultra Fit.

Mandrake says it could be my taste. I seem to have a fallacy for the taken people. I can't help it!

Wish there was more time for me to elaborate on this but... well. This would suffice for now. Have got to omit the details for the love of privacy between BP and I.

BP vs MV?

I say BP wins. Oh damn, I'm such a fickle minded bitch.

KNN

Pissed.

1) Retarded computer.
2) Fucked printer
3) Damn hot weather
4) Sore tongue
5) Hanging msn
6) Pms (my period only came for a day and gone?!)
7) King broke promise to call after his set last night
8) Burnt Paper's calls that I failed to pick up
7) Schooling woes (SIM's courses are like fucked. Why is there no engineering?)

Argh, Mandrake, I need a Hoegaarden and a big fat teddy hug.

GJPS loves me. And I for her.

Love exposed!

Hehe. If you haven't made a guess what that special one thing at work is...

Here's the answer!

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The bottles of Hoegaarden that I yearn to savour while working especially on a frigging hot day !!! Hur hur.

Aunt Celly gives good advice...

To profess undying love to the one I like on the blog. (Can't provide the link reference for now.. Will update as soon as I can though) So here I am telling the whole world just how much I lust after this one thing at my workplace.. Each time this one thing appears at the bar my tongue just hangs out in all desire. It sends a little jolt to my stomach at every touch.. My hands clamp up in jittery awe of how good this one thing will taste. Yums. This one thing has got to be just about the most beautiful thing I can find at Coastes other than the occasional drool worthy beach babes in bikinis. Yes my one love... Why are you so near yet so beyond my reach?

Forced into a corner

Airhole... *whines*

Jane aka Biatch... *whines*

Mandrake... *whines*

Makan Guru... *whines*

Barffie... *whines*

Remember how we talked about mindfucking him over lunch earlier on? Seems that I was the one who got mindfucked upon reaching home instead. The barrage of questions. I can't explain much over here... And the cowboybar may not be that safe a haven. Yet another blogger who lurks in the shadows.

Encroached.

Feeling like a little animal being preyed upon, oh enlighten me, the great O mistrees Jane and the toe licking slave Airhole!

I love berries

I love berries.

Strawberry... Yay!
Blueberry... Yay!
Cranberry... Yay!
Raspberry... Yay!

And Manberries? EUGH.

Hahaha.

Mulling is not an option

I am considering to move out of home, yeah and how about Jelapang Road ya baby? Hehe. And mulling on a lot of other matters. Schooling, working etc.

Will people just stop asking me who I like more? You guys don't need the answer. I do.

I supposed I am not as bi as I think I was. Don't ask again. If you don't get it, too bad.

Hur hur. Yummy mummy. Hur hur. Reminds me of A do's wife. Hot meena with 2 kids.

Oh, mulling. Shifting over to liquidblade is damn enticing.

Lost in Cityhall

Just had lunch at Chin Chin (at Purvis Street) with bloggers Airhole, Barffie, Biatch, Makan Guru and Mandrake. A rare stomach filling meal these days. My eye bags and complexion is really worsening. Nods Airhole, Biatch and Mr Vodka. The peeps have left to return to work with the exception of Airhole who is going CD shopping so here I am at Cityhall Mrt Station wandering and wondering where I can go next other than home. I want an air-conditioned place that will allow me to smoke and maybe even take a snooze..Now the next person I date better provide such facilities for me. And throw in a full body massage for my wrecked shell. Shall i just randomly choose somewhere to park my ass or head home? Loneliness is hard to bear. Too tired to shop.. Too tired for conversation yet the need to have people around me is tremendous.

No more stories to tell, so SHOO!

Shall stop writing about Coastes colleagues here. Will get flamed sooner or later.

Ashes so very the angry with me that she spelt 'spoilt' as 'spoilted'. Hur hur hur so cute. Yeah, she's so damn pissed with me. Sollie, really never tell anybody, only tell my blog. CC, don't tease her anymore can? I want her friend me one hor.

Sunshine knows Mr Vodka's ex too! Oh my lameness is ruling my head!

And I am on newspaper. My back is. Straits Times Home section. Wonder if the Hot Bod section will be soon.

Sianness is when...

1) Late. This was carelessness on my part for copying down my schedule wrongly in my pink organizer! Got my Thursday shift hours mixed up with my Tuesday's. Had to pia cab down (freaking $11!!!) and run from the taxi stand to Coastes.

2) Untimely period. I know mine was approaching but because I was rushing out, I didn't prepare any tampons or pads on standby. Fark. I ran (in GJPS' terms, commando style) to 7-11 at Palawan Beach and back to Siloso in a matter of 5 minutes. Did I mention they happen to sell only the fucking super sized tampon and no regular one?!?! Ugh, shudders. The horrors of having to shove this giant into you. I was about to think my hymen's been damaged from all that stupid shoving of tampons up myself!

3) Another stuck up anal retentive customer again. Comprains service not up to standard (Wah I the only floor staff okay?!) and food taste no good (Wah you only tried our salad leh, didn't even eat any other food doesn't put you in any position to judge! Even your friend/sibling who paid for your bill highly enjoyed our food!!!) So diam!

4) Only floor staff = Did everything myself. Almost. CC helped here and there. Mr Vodka too. Tired. Wrote the order chit wrongly. Sorry JFK. Wasted his ENT. Tired. Whines. Tired, no strength, broke a pot.

5) Ashes angry. This is repeated.

6) NTU rejected me. I am upset. I will go drink myself silly and appeal and beg them to let my ass in.

7) Still unsure of plans tomorrow after teaching at Singapore National Eye Centre. Shopping alone? Go get a hair cut and colour job? Tattoo?

Bed awaits. Need to be up in 3.5 hours time. Sian.